SERIES ONE SHOW THREE
LS - Lee Simpson
PM - Paul Merton
CQ - Caroline Quentin
JL - Josie Lawrence
JS - Jim Sweeney
PD - Phelim McDermott
A - Audience
C - Cast in general
" - This is used
when one person is doing more than one character at once, e.g. having an
argument with themselves!
********** - I can't hear this phrase, any ideas? (Italic in brackets) - This marks where I have felt the need to make some
kind of explanatory comment, such as sound effects, accents, possible
explanations for unexplained laughter, and mistakes made by the cast! (Nobody's
LS - Good evening Ladies and
Gentlemen, and welcome to the third episode of the Masterson Inheritance, an
improvised historical saga of a family at war with itself.You have already heard the violent history of the Masterson family
through to the end of the 18th century.Our
team of performers will tonight attempt to spontaneously enact the succeeding
chapter ofa story based entirely on the suggestions of our studio
audience. No script, no rehearsals; just an audience and a couple of
microphones.To bring you this
story of intrigue, iniquity and inbreeding tonight, we have Josie Lawrence,
Phelim McDermott, Paul Merton, Caroline Quentin, Lee Simpson and Jim Sweeney!
LS – Right then, now, er, we’d like to take our story to a distant land
this week, we’d like to travel it abroad.So, the first suggestion we need from our audience is a reason why
someone might go to sea, or why someone might travel to a distant land… why
might someone do that, any ideas?
A – Heartbreak
A - Archaeological exp…
LS – Heartbreak…
A (distant) – To avoid his
poll tax payments. (audience laughter)
LS – We’re talking about the
early 19th century, rather than the 15th or the 20th…so,
we’ve got heartbreak; someone said something over there, what was that?
A – Gambling debts.
LS – Gambling debts!Shall we… shall we combine gambling debts and heartbreak?That’s a pretty good reason, or a couple of reasons, isn’t it?Now, er, on the ship, what’s in the cargo hold?
A – Dynamite.
A – Rum.
LS – Dynamite and rum.
A – Sheep.
LS – (laughing) Sheep.
LS – Erm…
alright then, well, we’ll settle for dynamite, rum and sheep; a potent mix, if
ever there was!Now, er, a
suggestion of a character defect, or a bad habit that someone might have.
A – Farting.
LS – (laughing) –
LS – Oh
it got a lot of approval over there!
PM – (in background) People
sitting next to him.
LS (snort of laughter) Alright,
farting, we’ll go for farting then.Er,
now, remembering our nautical or seafaring theme, now what about a suggestion of
a title for this week’s episode?
A – Scurvy!
LS – Sounds like a musical,
doesn’t it, just “Scurvy!”
JL (in background) – Scurvy…
LS – That’s very good.So, our suggestions tonight are: gambling and heartbreak; dynamite, rum
and sheep; farting (audience laughter) and “Scurvy!”.
LS – The Masterson Inheritance – Book Three – (dramatic) “Scurvy!”.
docks; a bustling and busy place…
(coconut shell “horse”, horn etc.)
C – (general hubbub in background, including:) JL - Apples, buy your
apples!Apples, get your apples! CQ
- All aboard! PM - Dehumidifiers, get your dehumidifiers!
LS - …a place of much activity, especially in the early 19th
century.But amongst all this
bustle is a young man; a young man who is saying farewell, for he is setting off
on a long journey.He is saying
farewell to his dear mother.His
name is Robert.
JL – (sobs, deep breath and then nose-blowing) Oh Robert, Robert!
PM (middle class) – What is it, mother? (audience laugh) Don’t
cry, you know how much it upsets me to see you cry so.
(JL sobs more)
PM – If you don’t cry, I’m going to have to… if you don’t stop
crying I’m going to have to hit you again.
JL- Robert, I have one piece of advice for you…
PM – Er, yes?
JL - …as you set out on your voyage to God knows where.
PM – What is that, mama?
JL – Always take your vitamin C tablets after breakfast.You know you’re a very weak child…
PM – It’s true.
JL - …and you don’t want to get something terrible when you’re onboard
with all those sailors.
LS – And so, and so, for a moment we leave this tender scene and go to
Captain William Porter, captain of the good ship Endeavour,
the ship upon which Robert will sail.He
is welcoming onboard a very special passenger – Lady Grace Selhurst, who is
taking passage to the
PD – Your caskets, yes, you seem to have brought rather a lot of caskets
CQ (frightfully posh) – Oh yes,
I’ve brought every jewel that’s ever been passed down my family.
PD – Well, I hope our ship will be able to stay afloat!
CQ – Thank you so much.
LS – She introduced her serving maid, Catherine; a pretty girl, of comely
appearance, which the captain noticed immediately…
CQ – This is Comely Catherine, my serving maid.You can call her Comely if you like.
JL (cockney) – Owd’ you do
captain, pleased to meet yer, pleased to make yer acquaintance if you’ll be so
kind beggin’ yer pardon sir.
PD – Very nice to meet you – I hope you’ll join me at my table, while
CQ – Oh that would be charming, charming.Catherine?
JL – Yes miss?
CQ – Do up your blouse.
JL – Sorry miss.
LS – And as the ladies…
JL – Just takin’ the air.
LS – And as the ladies made their way to the quarters, there was a
grumbling from the sailors, for they did not like the idea of womenfolk aboard
ship; it was considered bad luck, and they muttered about what might befall them
because of it.
JS – (middle class) Well frankly
I could do without the women coming on board.
LS – Back, back on the dock, Robert was saying his final farewells to his
PM – Mother, you make me sick, but one day I may forget you.I’m going to another land, somewhere that isn’t home; somewhere
that’s away.A bit like the way when West Bromwich Albion play
Wolverhampton Wanderers, at Molyneux they could be considered to be away and not
is going to be my Molyneux, I shall be in the Visitors’ dressing room if you
JL – Son…
PM – I hope some of this makes sense to you, mother, because I understand
you have no knowledge of football at all, and I’m…
JL – I…
PM – I’m just saying it just to confuse you even further.
JL – I do, son.Always I carry
a little photograph of Nobby Stiles and Asa Hartford.
PM – A photograph in the 1820’s, what a wonderful thing!And who is this Nobby Stiles of whom you speak?
JL – Someone who in the future will be very great, and have very few teeth.
PM – Ah, the ambition of every man!
JL- Robert, you may be going far away, but I want you…
PM – There’s no maybe about it, I’ve booked me ticket!I’m off!
JL – I want you to take…
PM – You old hag!
JL – I want you to take…
PM – No!I can’t take your
face cream, you need it more than I do!
JL – No, not my face cream Robert, see; a little piece that will be forever
home in your heart – my locket.
PM – But… supposing you get a sore throat?
JL – I’m an old woman, Robert, I’ve sucked all the…
PM – Yes, and an ugly one – you’ve done what?!
JL – I’ve sucked all the sweets I’m gonna suck. You take this…
PM – Well I dunno, you might still get your cab fare home.
JL – Take this locket, and keep it.
PM – Yes, I will.
JL - But never, ever open it unless you’re in trouble.
PM – I shall remember your words, mama.
JL – Goodbye sweet boy, sweet, lovely boy.
PM – Goodbye, toothless old hag!
LS – And so he turned, and slowly walked up the
gangplank, up the gangplank to the ship, and indeed to his destiny, where he was
greeted by the captain, Captain William Porter.
PD – Well, welcome aboard!
PM – Thank you.Do you have a good entertainment programme aboard the ship?I’m rather partial to deck quoits.
PD – (pompous) We have every kind of ent…
PM – There’s no need to shout, I’m standing
next to you… you salty buffoon!
PD – I’m allowed to shout, I’m the captain
of this ship!
PM – Ooh, get you!
LS – Robert would soon find out that he could
not be as cheeky onboard ship as he was on land, for the terrifying punishments
which awaited him if he kept up this sort of thing!
PD – The last man who was as cheeky (he
pronounces it “sheiky”) to me as you’ve been…
PM – As “sheiky”?! What was he, an Arab?
PD - …was keel-hauled!!
PM – Oh… I see, well I shall mind my P’s and
Q’s.I shall dot my I’s and
cross my T’s.
LS – And so Robert went off, to find his bunk. (audience
laughter) I said…
PM – Anybody want to meet me, my name’s
LS – Far away, far away from this, this English
scene, in the middle of the
, is a different scene…
(wind, ship’s bell)
LS - …is another ship, but a ship with a darker
purpose.A ship whose purpose it is
to take from other ships, yes, yes yes!A
pirate ship!A pirate ship run by a ruthless pirate known only as the
(piratical laughter from JL and CQ)
CQ (Westcountry pirate) – Come up ‘ere and ‘ave a bottle of rum
you little naughty!
LS – These are no ordinary pirates, for these
pirates are the famous female pirates of the
; the Black Mane, a fearsome, fearsome creature, feared by all seagoing types.
JL (also pirate voice) – That last ship that we scuppered, we went
onboard and we got all those sailor men and soon pulled their bell-bottoms down
round their ankles!
CQ – Not a man left in one piece!
JL – Aaaaall the men there!
CQ – All shakin’, gibberin’ wrecks by the
time we’d finished with them!
LS – And one of them was brought in, a prisoner
from that last ship, and thrown at their feet!He was begging for mercy, but it was to no avail.
JS – Damn you, what do you want and why did you
drag me here?
JL – Ooh, you look lovely in your chains, young
CQ – We’ve got some little jobs for you, in
the sleeping quarters!
JL – Yes, ha haaa ahahaa
CQ – Ahahahahaaaa!
JS – What sort of little jobs do you mean?
JL – Well, we’re women!With women’s needs!And
you be the only man that ain’t tired out by now.So we need you down below!I’m
just going to go for a…
CQ – Yes!
JS – That suits me fine!(laughing) Should I start now?
LS – Back…
CQ – So get you downstairs, and strip your
bottom half of your clothing and we’ll be down immediate!
JS – Very well, I’ll go downstairs and take my
shoes and socks off.
JL – Ahaahahhaaaa!
LS – And that was how they dealt with their
prisoners; no mercy, no mercy at all.Meanwhile, the good ship Endeavour
was making good time out into the
.All was going well.The captain was in his cabin, talking to his lieutenant.
PD – I’m a little bit worried about… well…
I suppose you’ve guessed.I’ve
not been taking to the food very well on board ship.
JS – No you haven’t have you sir?You’re little bell-bottoms are flapping like crazy.
PD – Look, I’m terribly sorry, look, it’s
embarrassing, this.How can one be
a captain aboard ship, with respect from other people, if, well I, I have this
trouble with, with wind?!
JS – Have you thought of a cork, sir?It might backfire, but it could be fun… I don’t know sir, you’re
just going to have to stand up; be Captain!The men’ll respect you – they won’t stand very close to you, but
they’ll respect you sir!(holding nose)Now can I go?
PD – Very well.Thank you for your advice (blows
JS – (holding nose) You’re welcome!
LS – So the lieutenant well… So, the
lieutenant went, leaving the captain alone… alone with his own problem.Out on the fo'c's'le was young Robert, looking out as the waves travelled
past them; as the sea went beneath them, and they headed out towards a new land.Comely Catherine was taking a turn on the deck.
PM – If this ship went a bit faster we could do
some water skiing.
JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, beggin’ yer
PM – Yes?
JL - …but I’m not really meant to be on the
fo’c’s’le.I’m meant to be
getting some fresh water for me lady who’s down below at the moment sir,
but… I’ve never seen a gent like you before sir.I’ve always been kept downstairs before.Never been on a ship neither, no so… never I ‘ave no…
never nor blimey.
PM – Well, assuming that you’ve always been
kept downstairs I also assumed you’d never been aboard a ship, unless of
course your parents had brought a ship below the stairs.
JL – Oh, no sir!My parents couldn’t afford nothing…
PM – But my heart, it pounds, it beats!
JL – I can hear it, sir!
PM – Yes!
JL – Or could it be the pounding of my heart
PM – It seems that our two hearts pound to a
makes heartbeat noises)
JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, no this isn’t
nothing for a girl to be saying to a gent such as you but sir, I think I love
PM – Isn’t that a song by David Cassidy?
JL – (laughing) I think so, sir.I’m
sorry sir, the colour’s come to my cheeks.
PM – Yes, but don’t worry, green’s very
JL – No sir, I must get the fresh water…
PM – It’s more sort of olive.
JL – If my mistress knew she was… that I was
PM – But no you can’t!
JL – Wha… ooh you’ve got all me tongue all
of a muddle!
PM – I’ll soon straighten that out for you!Meet me tonight,
, in the crow’s nest.
JL – Crow’s nest?
CQ (shouts from off mic) CatheRINEEEE!
JL – Oh, must go!
PM – Alright.
JL – Er, what’s your name?
PM – It doesn’t matter, er, it’s a very
small crow’s nest; you’ll recognise me from the carnation in my coat.
JL – Farewell!
PM – Goodbye…
LS – And so she left him, she left him
thoughtful, thoughtful of the trouble he might be getting into.Meanwhile, back on the pirate ship, the ship known only as the Vixen…
(ship’s bell and wind again)
LS - …the two leading lady pirates were planning
their next exploit.
(more maniacal pirate laughter from JL and CQ)
CQ – We’ve got no money.
JL – No! No money.And only one man.
CQ – That’s right, and he’s knackered.
JS – Yes, if you’ve quite finished I could go
and get some air?
CQ – No, down you go again!
JL – Ahahahaaa!
CQ – Aahahahaaa!
JL – Bette!
CQ – What?
JL – What’s this?
CQ – I dunno.
JL – My faithful homing pigeon, Molly.Ah!
CQ – What does it say?
JL – It says ‘ere, that a ship is setting
sail, with a Ladyship onboard… let’s set sail, let’s set course and follow
CQ – Aye, lets!
JL – Soon we’ll be rich!
CQ – Let’s put the big sail up!
JL – Yes.I’ll
just go for a poop on the mid-deck.
CQ – Alright.
LS – Meanwhile back, on the good ship Endeavour,
there were rumblings down in the seamen’s room.
JS (middle class) – Well, frankly it’s all rather distressing.
PM – Aaarr!
JS – The vegetables’ in a terrible state.
PM – Rrrrr.
JS – Not so much as an al dente all week.And the water!
PM – Rrrr?
JS – We’re running out of it, chaps.
PM – Aaar!
JS – I’m afraid this might mean we’ll find
ourselves in the dread state of being struck down by… scurvy.
C – Rrrrr (gravelly) Oh no!
LS – There was a mumbling, the thing sailors
feared the most – scurvy!It
struck fear into their very hearts.
(Paul makes vague piratical background noises)
PD – Ss.. ss… scurvy?That gets your complexion, doesn’t it?
JS – Yes.So,
I suggest we keep a close eye on our captain.It seems to me he’s not steady at the helm.His bell-bottoms flap a little bit too much for my liking!If anything goes wrong we have to be prepared to take over this ship.Are we agreed?
PM – Aaar!
PD – Aye!We’re
JS – Right… who’s for a cappuccino?
LS – And so, and so the sailors took their
fateful decision, a decision they could not go back on – for, for a seaman, to
revolt, to mutiny, is a grave, grave matter indeed.Time passed.
came.Up in the crow’s nest was
Robert waiting, waiting for the young lady Comely Catherine, and all he could
hear wafting on the sea breeze was the sound of an old sea shanty sung by the
sailors… and old sea shanty that they sang every time the night fell, and the
wind was calm.
JL (sings) – Night has fallen, wind is calm, yo boys oh…
(CQ and JS join in, unsure if the tune is going to change)
C – Night has fallen, wind is calm, yo boys yo!
(singing gets confused and they start laughing)
C -Night has fallen, wind is calm, night has fallen, wind is calm,yo boys yo ho! Oh boys yo!Night
JS – It’s quite nice, but it could do with a
LS – It was then…
PM – I don’t think I can stand much more of
this.Forty-four days we’ve been
on this voyage and those damned sailors sing the same song every night!
JL – Can you… help me up, please?
PM – Yes… grab my hand.
JL – Oh (she pants, noise of something dropping to the ground). Oh thank
you!(laughing) Sorry, I’ve dropped something.
PM – Oh, allow me!Clogs suit a lady.We can always use them as ballast.
JL – I don’t know what I’m doing here, sir,
in a crow’s nest with a strange man who I hardly know but love so much.
PM – Look over there.
JL – Ah, sea!
PM – Yes, it’s all around us, you know.
JL – It’s it wonderful.Water, water everywhere…
PM – Yes, except for the ship in the middle.
JL – You are poetic, sir.
PM – Thank you.
LS – Robert knew that he had to be truthful with
this young lady for she had won his heart; he knew he had to reveal all to her,
for he could not love her if it was not honest, and so he told her; he told her
why he had left his land, why he was journeying to another.
JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, but perhaps if I
PM – Pick a card!I bet you fifteen doubloons that that is the Jack of Spades!
JL – It is, sir!Why that’s so clever of you, sir.The Jack of Spades it… oh no, wait ‘minute, Queen of ‘earts.
PM – Then I owe you some doubloons.
JL – Oh sir I’m not a gambling miss, (clinking
coins) and I ‘ope you’re not a gambling man for my father told me to
beware of them.
PM – I have to tell you the truth I am a
gambling man; I have been banned from every casino in
JL – Is that why you’re setting sail for a
PM – Yes, it’s because I’ve been banned from
every casino in
.I’m a gambler – don’t you
understand, everything is a gamble to me, life is a gamble.That seagull over there; I mean to bet that that seagull will
reach land before we do.
JL – But how will we know if he does or not,
sir?You see, you can’t gamble on
fate, you can’t gamble on the future!
PM – Well, I can’t gamble on the past, can
you?What do you mean, I can’t
gamble on the future?!That’s
horse racing knocked on the ‘ead then, isn’t it!Alright, I go to the bookmakers, and say “I’d like to put
a hundred pounds bet on the 1943
”!Or no, I could gamble on the
present, couldn’t I!I want to
bet a hundred pounds that I’ve just walked in this shop.
JL – Oh sir!
PM – Yes of course, everything you say is right,
JL – All I know is, and I won’t take a gamble
on it, that I do love you.(romantic
music) I still don’t know your name sir.
PM – Look there’s a… there’s a string
quartet floating past.(music
swells)It’s a wreck from HMS Mozart, look.The
JL – It’s so romantic, sir.
PM – Yes.
JL – Can I be so bold and ask for a kiss, sir?
PM – You certainly can.When do you propose to ask for this kiss?
JL – ‘bout
PM – Good.So it’ll be in the future then.
JL – I wouldn’t bet on it.
PM – No.
LS – And so, and so we leave these young lovers
together, together in a crow’s nest a hundred and fifty feet above the
ship’s deck.But in another part
of the ocean, not so far away now, another ship is becalmed.
JS – Sorry to bother you – any chance of a
cushion?Only I’ve scuffed my
CQ and JL – Get down!
JL – I have a plan!
CQ – What do you, what’s your plan?
JL – This ship.
CQ (just finished taking a sip of water I think) Mmm?
JL – This ship with all the jewels.
CQ – Yesssss?!
JL – I have a plan on how to get onboard, with
waste… without wasting much cannonballs.
CQ – I can’t wait to hear it!
JL – You know down below, in the hold?
CQ – Yes?
JL – What have we got?
CQ – We’ve got… dynamite.
JL – Yeah.
CQ – We’ve got… rum.And for some bizarre reason best known to yourself…
(sheep noises from cast, LS sniggers)
CQ - …we’ve got… sheep!
JS – I’m sorry, I’ve got to draw the line
CQ and JL – Get down!
CQ – Stay down!
JL – Well, ‘ere’s the plan.
CQ – Yeah, what’s this plan then?
JL – We roll alongside the ship, right?
CQ – Yeah… coming up, avast!
JL – Say we’ve got some meat onboard which
we’d like to sell ‘em, protein and that.We’ll feed the sheep with the dynamite…
CQ – Yes, I like your thinking!
JL – Get em drunk…
CQ – ..on the…
JL and CQ – rum…
CQ – Yes.
JL – Let ‘em onboard!
CQ (excited) Yesss?!
JL – And then throw a match on deck.
CQ (even more excited) Yessss!!!
JL – Exploding baa-lambs all over the place,
they’ll be like putty in our hands!
CQ and JL – Ahahahhaahhaaaaaa!
LS – And so they went off to put their evil plan
into operation.Meanwhile, back on
HMS Endeavour, the captain was
sleeping.But as he sleeps (PD
snores) his crewmen stealthily, stealthily creep around his cabin with
knives in their mouths.
(footsteps, coughing, cutlass clanking)
JS – Sorry, but for God’s sake, somebody open
(general pirate mumbling)
JS – Oh God, look!The duvet’s floating five inches above the bed!
(PD snores, splutters and wakes)
PD – Erm, er, a mutiny!
JS – Yes, that’s right, a mutiny!
(PM makes random pirate noises again)
PD – I suppose you’re mutinying because of…
well… because of my… problem?
C – (more random pirate “Aarrs” and mumbles)
JS – No, not really!
PD – I’m not ashamed of my problem!
JS – Well, you should be!Frankly, it’s disgusting!
PM – Look out, watch out, he’s got a cork!(Aaars from others) Don’t you point that…
PD – Yes!One
step forward and I pull out this cork.
JS – Alright alright!Damn you!Damn you to hell!But can’t you see?Look at
the state we’re in; the food’s nearly run out, the water’s bad –
there’s the risk of scurvy sir, you know that!What are you going to do?
PD – Well, I’m going to pull this cork out
(sound of gunshot, rest of cast run yelling “ohhhh ohhh!”)
LS – And so there was a loud explosion, and so
ended the mutiny.On another part
of the ship, sleeping after his assignation, was young Robert, but his was
not… his was not a restful sleep.He
was haunted by dreams, dreams of the things his parents had told him as a child.
(following (except LS and PM) in ghostly ”dream” echo, with PM
making “I’m having a nightmare” gentle moans)
JL – Robert!
CQ – Robert!
JS – Bobby!
CQ – You are not who you think you are.
JS – Bobby!
CQ – Will you come riding today, Robert? (posh
PM – (talking in sleep) I, ah, who are you, I don’t know who you are!
JL – Oh, what a merry ball Robert!(giggle) Thank you for inviting me here.Oooh what a big house, Robert!
JS – Hello Bobby!
CQ – Robert?
JS – Masterson Hall!
LS – And from, from the mists of his dream
emerged a vision…
JL – Masterson!
LS - …a vision of a house…
CQ – Lord Masterson?
LS - …a large house…
JS – Hello Bobby Masterson!
CQ – A letter for you.
JL – (as his mother) Never open the locket…
JL – (as child) Masterson!
CQ – Mr Masterson?
PM – Yes… ahhh…
CQ – There’s a letter for you.
LS – And his dreams slowly, slowly faded.
JS – Goodbye Bobby!(LS snorts)
(end of dream sequence sound effect)
LS – He was awoken at the sound of sheep coming
onboard the ship.He went on deck
to find out what was happening.
(general bleating from cast)
PD – Bring those sheep onboard!
JL – Oh and, er, the price for them, sir?
PD – The price…
JL – Yeah.
PD – …well, how much do you want?
JL – Two gold sovereigns.
CQ – And four doubloons.And a demerald if you’ve got any.
JL – Yes.
PD – A demerald?!
CQ – Yes!I
hear you have some in a casket.
LS – So the sheep were taken onboard, but as
soon as they were onboard, the Black Mane put her evil plan into operation, and
she started to detonate the dynamite placed…
(explosions, cast make distressed sheep noises)
JL – Throw the torches!
LS – There were exploding sheep everywhere!Pieces of mutton and lamb flying all over the place!
JS – Lads!Look, we’ve got kebabs!
CQ – Baa-rain!
PM – Anybody got any mint sauce?
LS – And as the smoke cleared, there, there
standing atop the poop deck was the Black Mane, her cutlass in her hand,
surveying the defeated crew of the Endeavour.
JL – My name is the Black Mane.
JS (middle class sailor) – My name’s Gerald.
JL – Get down!I now take control of this ship and all who sail in ‘er.So captain… what’s that smell?
PD – E…excuse me, I’m terribly sorry.
JL – It’s me that you’ll look to now; you
take orders from me.
LS – But she had not reckoned on Robert.Suddenly he appeared behind the Black Mane, and placed a dagger at her
PM – Not…
JL – Ah!
PM - Not so fast, Black Mane!
JL – Urgh!
PM – I have two things pressed against your
back, one of them is a dagger.
JL – The other one a toothpick?
PM – (pause for effect) Yes it is.
JL – (panicking) Don’t kill me, don’t kill me!
PM – Why shouldn’t I kill you?Give me one good reason why I should let you live?
JL – I know a secret.
PM – A secret?
JL – I know where you can find some treasure!I got it buried in a little beach in
PM – You have the secret to some treasure which
is “buried in a little beach in
JL – That’s right!Don’t kill me and I’ll give you the map!
PM – I think I’m going to kill you simply
because of what you’ve just told me.
LS – And so, he plunged the dagger into her (PM
urghs, JL aarghs), as she had plunged the dagger into so many others, and
she sank to the floor.
(JL makes death throes noises)
LS – And with that, all the courage went from
the pirates – the crew threw down their cutlasses and gave themselves up.Robert had single-handedly defeated them.He was a great, great hero.
PM – Thank you very much!
LS – He was thanked by Grace Selhurst, and of
course Comely Catherine.
CQ – I can’t thank you enough for your
PM – That’s alright, money will do.
CQ – I have much money, but wait a moment?What’s that hanging around your neck?
PM – My mother gave me this locket, and she told
me under no circumstances should I ever open this locket - there we are!
CQ – Yes!
PM – By God!
CQ – Look, Catherine.
JL – It looks exactly like you, sir, only with a
very bushy moustache.
CQ – Yes.You
know what this means, don’t you Catherine?If this man’s mother gave him this locket, it means, his mother must
LS – A Masterson – yes it was true.His mother had given him the locket as a sign of his true identity.
PM – Good Lord…
LS – It was a portrait of a Masterson of long
ago, a portrait…
PM – No, wait a minute…
LS - …recognised by Grace Selhurst… because…
CQ – I know the family well.
LS – Thank you.
LS – He certainly had a better future than he
had imagined, especially when a very large demerald was handed over (CQ
laughs) by Grace to him, as reward for his heroic efforts.
CQ – I’d like you to take this demerald of
multicoloured hues, and it’s worth twenty-five zillion trillion willion