SERIES ONE SHOW TWO
"THE MASTERSONS AND JOHNSON"
CQ - You'll write, won't you?
PD - If I manage to learn, yes.
CQ - Grand! Goodbye, my love!
PD - Goodbye!
LS - And so he climbed the ladder, he and his horse (galloping sounds) climbing the ladder out of the mine. And she watched them go, and as she watched them go, she cursed. She cursed the fact that she was a Johnson and not a Masterson, for the Mastersons could marry who they wished, but the Johnsons could not! (The last few words were said very dramatically, and someone else from the cast makes some comment that makes him laugh, but I can't hear it) But all was not well at Masterson Hall, no, no all was not well. For, in a rain-soaked churchyard, a funeral was taking place. (Rain, church bells) The coffin...
C - (Sobbing, mourning, singing of doleful hymns)
LS - ...borne aloft...
PM - Stay in the box, you bugger!
JS - Nail it down!
LS - There were no tears shed, for this, this was David Masterson, the Lord of Masterson Hall, a cruel man, a man with no thought for his tenants or the people...
C - (very loud sobbing)
JS - Shut up! We didn't like him, remember!
C - Oh yes! (they begin to laugh)
LS - There was only one true mourner at this funeral, and he was not so sad. Christopher, the heir to Masterson Hall, and now Lord Masterson. He watched his father's coffin being lowered into the ground, and spoke his final words to him.
JS - It's mine now, all of it, you never wanted me to have it but I'm going to have it, oh yes! (he laughs maniacally)
LS - Back at Masterson Hall, there were drinks and a buffet for the funeral. Christopher was there, and so was Rose, a young lady that Christopher was hoping to have his way with.
JS - Ah, Rose, isn't it?
JL - (Upper class twit voice) Hello Christopher. I thought it was a very lovely funeral.
JS - Yes, I thought it was splendid. Let's just hope he stays down there.
JL - That's what I used to say to him...er...ahem. Another drink, Christopher?
JS - Yes, why not, some champagne, we should celebrate, all this is mine now! Of course, I'll need a...
(pop of cork)
JL - Oh!
JS - I do apologise! It's been so long.
PM - (In background) That's not what I've heard...
JS - I'll need the company...
CQ - (Also background) Neither have I.
JS - ...of a good woman.
JL - A good woman? Why, Christopher, are you proposing?
JS - No, I was thinking I need the company of a good woman. But till I find one...
LS - He slipped his hand around her waist...
JL - Ah, ooh!
LS - Her WAIST.
JS - Sorry, it has been a long time. Rose!
JL - Yes?
JS - Can't you see what I'm saying, you're an attractive woman, I'm a young, powerful, rich, handsome man!
JL - (Dubious) Er, oh yes, OK.
JS - I've a bottle of champagne chilling in my room.
LS - Back at Jane's cottage, she walked in, to see her mother, still kneading the bread.
LS - She told her mother that Edward had left, and how upset she was.
CQ - (Tearful) Oh Mother, Mother, terrible news.
JL - What Jane, what?
CQ - Edward has finally gone.
JL - Ha ha ha..oh what a shame.
CQ - Mother, how can you laugh at a time of distress like this?
JL - Edward's not right for you Jane, can't you understand that?
CQ - What do you mean Mother?!
JL - You don't want to be stuck down that pit all your days, what about Stephen?
CQ - Oh don't talk to me about Stephen!
JL - But he's a good lad!
CQ - Have you seen the moustache on him!
JL - That could come in useful, you never know!
CQ - I see your thinking Mother.
JL - Yes.
CQ - I'm going to leave this house, Mother.
JL - What?!
CQ - I'm going to leave this house, unless you let me marry Edward. I love him, I shall never marry Stephen, the ***** hideous creature!
JL - How long is this Edward away for?
CQ - He's gone to make his fortune and to learn to read and write, it could be years!
JL - All right then, unless you find someone else in 't meantime, you can marry Edward. But, I want you to take this bread to Stephen, over at Masterson Hall.
CQ - Oh, don't make me go to see Stephen...(shouts) Mother!
JL - (Shouting) Go to him child, go now else you'll feel my wrath!
CQ - I'll go.
LS - At Dover young Edward had found passage with a friendly captain called Jake.
PD - What word are you going to teach me today?
PM - The word today, is "Squirrel".
PD - "Squirrel".
PM - Come back and see me tomorrow, and I'll give you another word.
PD - Very well - will I have to do that thing again?
PD - Yes please!
LS - Jake told Edward of the turbulent times in France, for he was a well learned man, but he gave him some warnings about what to do and what not to do, in the new revolutionary environment that existed there.
PD - Tell me, about it... what should I do, in the new revolutionary environment?
PM - Don't stick your head into any holes.
LS - So Edward made his way to France. Back at Masterson Hall, in his bedroom, Christopher was being charming toward Rose.
JL - Ooh, some Masterson blancmange! Oh yes please, Christopher, lovely! (Slurping)
JS - Yes, a special batch that I just made.
JL - Oh, strawberry, mmm. (Slurping) Could I have the blancmange now please?
JS - Yes, ah, let me just whip up a new batch!
JL - This is wonderful! How many girls have you given blancmange to Christopher?
JS - Four hundred and eighty-six.
JL - Ha ha, come, don't lie! Am I the first?
JS - Hang on, I'm figuring out which to do first. Ah yes, of course you're the first Rose, I've never smeared anybody's body in strawberry blancmange before.
JL - And are you sure there's no-one else you love, only me?
JS - Only you Rose, you can trust me can't you? (he laughs maniacally, she laughs too)
JL - Oh, what a lovely mould! (Kissing noises)
LS - And so we leave the lovers, with the blancmange between them, and go back to Jane, who is taking the loaf of bread to Stephen, he of the bristling moustache. She is wary, for he is a cunning man and a strong man. She knocks on his door, and walks into his hut.
(Knocking, door opens)
PM - Come in...
LS - As soon as he lays eyes on her, his blood is filled with lust!
PM - Coooorrrr!
CQ - I've brought you bread Mother baked.
PM - I can see that from here. Aye, put it on the table, let's have a look.
CQ - Don't look at me with that passion in your eyes...T'unhand me!
PM - I can't resist you! There's something about you that makes me think of wildlife...
CQ - What do you mean!
PM - (He laughs) There's a...there's a whiff of badger about you, I don't really know! You've not been using my shaving brush, have you?
CQ - No, and neither have you, and that's why I can never love you. Take off that moustache and then look me in the eye! (She laughs)
PM - I'm not a contortionist you know! I can't take this moustache off, it's my moustache, every one of these bristles is mine, I've earned every one of them hairs on my upper lip.
CQ - Stephen...
LS - It was then, that Stephen went to the cupboard. He went to the cupboard and got out something that he was sure would win her heart. Yes, he'd managed to sneak a little bit of Masterson blancmange away from the Hall!
PM - Have a look at that!
CQ - It's magnificent!
PM - It is, in't it! You can see your face in it on a good day!
CQ - (Accusingly) Where did you get that?
PM - I nicked it.
CQ - Why?!
PM - Because I'm a power-crazed individual! Why should the Mastersons have all the blancmange in the world eh, that's not fair, that's not right.
CQ - Oh this is all very well, but I know the truth. My mother told you that if you bought me the recipe for blancmange then I would be yours. But no! No. I can't and I shan't and I won't , for I love Edward!
LS - And she ran, she ran, slamming the door behind her...
PM - But come back!
LS - It was to no avail, the door had shut. We travel to France, to where Edward has landed, and he has made his way to Paris - ah! - a teeming metropolis, but one in turmoil.
C - (Assorted French noises)
PD - Er, excuse me, I wouldn't put your head in there!
JL - Ow!
PD - Ooh dear...
LS - It was no good. But eventually he met a very kindly gentleman, a very strange gentleman with half-moon spectacles, who took him back to his lodgings and treated him kindly to a cup of chocolate.
JS - (French accent) Would you like a cup of chocolate? I have some over 'ere in ze cup.
PD - That would be lovely!
LS - It was then that Francoise (Isn't that a girl's name? He definitely pronounced it Francoise, perhaps that explains what happens later), for that was the kindly French gentleman's name, noticed that Edward's clothes were all wet and dripping.
JS - Your clothes - they are all wet and dripping.
LS - I told you! And he asked Edward if he'd like to take them off because he had a very special way of drying them.
JS - Would you like to take zem off?
PD - What are you trying to suggest?
JS - I am suggesting you take your clothes off! Because zey are wet.
PD - Oh, that's all right then.
JS - I can have them dry in an instant.
PD - Why thank you.
LS - So Edward took his clothes off, and watched the gentleman as he, as he put his clothes in a hole - Edward was worried...
PD - Don't put them in that hole! A man told me never to put...Oh no, that was my head.
JS - I put zem in zis hole - (hums a little French tune) Now! Watch what 'appens!
(Jingling and clanking - doesn't sound like a tumble dryer at all)
PD - That's incredible! They're going round and round!
JS - That's right, and faster, and faster, and faster, et voila! Completely dry!
PD - That's incredible! That's...
LS - And indeed the clothes were dry. But, Edward did not put them on, for Francoise had laid a hand on his shoulder... the way a man...
PD - Francois! (Phelim knows how to pronounce it!) What are you doing?
JS - I am laying a hand on your shoulder, you poor little wet Englishman.
(The Masterson Inheritance romance music starts up)
PD - Your eyes, they are so...blue!
JS - Yes, zey are blue for you - normally zey are green. But when I saw you zey went blue! You are a very attractive man Edouard.
PD - Francois! What are you doing to me! I...I feel a strange feeling.
JS - Yes, me too, let me get the lights. (He makes a noise I can't quite spell, but suggests clothes flying rapidly in all directions) There, I stand before you naked!
PD - Francois!
LS - It was all he could manage! And so, we leave Edward, initiated into the joys of France. We travel back to England - England, where Jane is standing, looking at Masterson Hall, looking at this building, this symbol of a family that had dominated her life, as it had dominated everyone's life in these parts. And as she looked, a horseman came by - it was Christopher.
JS - Woah!
(Horse slows down, but keeps going for a few more steps, through a puddle it sounds like)
LS - Who had trouble stopping his horse sometimes.
JS - What are you doing, this is Masterson land, you shouldn't be here on Masterson land looking at Masterson House, what are you doing here?
CQ - (Gasps) I'm sorry sir, I didn't know I wasn't allowed here, I was just gazing up at the Hall.
JS - You see, I know everyone round here.
CQ - Why, who are you?
JS - Christopher Masterson!
CQ - (Gasps) Oh!
LS - She exclaimed.
JS - No need to shout, you'll frighten the horse!
CQ - I've heard about you.
JS - Have you?
CQ - Yes. You lure young girls up to your bedroom with your stories of blancmange!
JS - Yes, I know some very good blancmange stories!
LS - He got down from his horse.
JS - I'll get down from my horse.
LS - And he advanced on her, a strange and menacing look in his masterful eye.
CQ - (Gasps yet again) Don't look at me like that, you're frightening the pants off me!
JS - Yes, that's the plan. And it's worked I see! I've got a little container of blancmange here...
LS - Christopher forced the blancmange upon her! Forced her the only way an aristocrat can!
CQ - (Trying to talk with her mouth full) Oh no! No!
LS - No thought of her feelings!
JS - Yes, and more, more!
LS - It was too late, once a Masterson had made up his mind, that was it. But, watching this sorry scene, this distressing scene, was....Stephen. This may be his master, this may be the man who paid his wages, this may be the man who owned everything he had, but he was going to be revenged on him.
PM - You scamp!
JS - Strong language Stephen!
PM - Aye! Sir, I see you have your trusty sword by your side!
JS - Yes! I do!
PM - Well I, I too have my trusty sword, and I also have a door, that opens and closes at will!
(Swords clash, door opens and closes)
PM - Yes! Yes!
JS - Damn you! Damn you, let me in!
PM - Okay, take that!
(The sword fight starts in earnest)
(JS, CQ and PM generally shout and scream as you would in that situation.)
LS - And they fought, and they fought, and they fought, and they fought!
JS - Wait! Wait! Wait! A glass of champagne!
PM - Of course!
JS - Now, back to the fight!
PM - Take that! Take that!
LS - Meanwhile...
PM - Wait! Who's that coming through the door!
PM - It's nobody! Right, carry on!
(More sword clashing)
LS - (Trying to be heard) Meanwhile! On a ship...(the fight dies away) On a ship, travelling in the opposite direction is young Edward, dry, and with the plans for a new machine, a new machine that he hoped would make his fortune back in England. He travelled back of course, with kindly Captain Jake.
PM - You've come back a different man, ***********.
PD - I have, and look what I've brought with me!
PM - By God, an ostrich on a motorbike!
PD - Yes, how did that get in my bag?!
PM - I dunno! Don't let Customs see that, you'll pay duty on that one.
PD - No, no, underneath it, look!
PM - By God, a lampshade made out of orange peel!
PD - How did that get in there!?
PM - I don't know!
PD - Look, there's something strange going on here!
PM - Aye! Hang on, I heard somebody at the door.
PM - Go away.
PD - No, it's this. I shall call it, the....."Tumble Dryer".
PM - But, you mean you can dry tumble in that?!
PD - Aye!
PM - By God, you're going to make a fortune!
PD - I shall become rich, and I shall live with my true love, Jane.
PM - Ah...
LS - But Edward needed backing for his scheme, in the new business world that was...
(Paul claps and does doo-wop 'backing' vocals)
LS - ...in the new business world that was emerging, a mercantilist world indeed. He needed someone with a few savings. Jake had a thought.
PM - Have you thought of the Enterprise Allowance Scheme?
PD - You're a genius!
PM - Aye! That's why I am what I am today, a sad, lonely, desperate figure, travelling endlessly between here and France without ever getting off the boat.
LS - Back in the forest, back in the woods of Masterson, only one man was still standing.
CQ - You killed him.
PM - Aye, I did, and I'd do it again tomorrow, only I don't have to 'cos I've done it now, he's dead.
CQ - And so now what?
PM - By God, woman.
CQ - What?
PM - I'd like to show you where the otters play.
CQ - Do you know, Stephen?
PM - Aye, it's in my trousers every Friday night!
CQ - Stephen!
PM - Aye?
CQ - I thought I could never love you, but, but since you've killed Christopher and saved my virtue...
PM - (Laughs) Yes. (I think he is laughing here as in real life he was married to her at the time, and would therefore know exactly how virtuous (or not) she is!)
CQ - Yes, yes.
PM - You really?
CQ - Yes, since you've saved my virtue, now I look into your eyes, I gaze on your long hairy moustache, and do you know, I feel something in my heart for you Stephen.
PM - Yeah, it'll be bile.
CQ - I think I could love you Stephen.
PM - Aye, and I could love you an'all!
CQ - Stephen?
PM - What?
CQ - Will you take me as your wife?
PM - Aye, I will that.
CQ - Kiss me, Stephen!
LS - And as they kissed, along came...
(kissing ends with a pop)
LS - ...Anne, and saw the tender scene. She saw her daughter in the arms of Stephen and she was happy, and she took Jane home. She told her something that she thought she never would tell her.
JL - You, Jane...
CQ - Mmmmm?
JL - ...are a Masterson!
CQ - (Gasps)
JL - I'll kill that ruddy trumpet player!
PM - Did somebody order Black Magic?
CQ - I'm a Masterson?
JL - Yes!
CQ - What do you mean Mother?
JL - One day, the young Master was riding in the forest, and he too, force-fed blancmange to me.
CQ - Oh no!
JL - Though I didn't have no-one called Stephen to protect me, and well, what happened happened. And then you were born. Nine months later. A bonny little girl, but I couldn't tell Lord Masterson about it, he'd would have sent me off the land!
CQ - Oh, Mother!
JL - So I want you to go to that Hall with Stephen.
CQ - Oh Mother yes!
JL - And claim your rightful place!
CQ - Yes Mother, I shall!
LS - But then, there was a plaintive knock at the door, there...
LS - ...there stood Edward, his tumble dryer in his hand.
PD - Er...hello!
LS - His face full of hope, his sweet features...
PD - Jane! I've come home! Look what I've brought with me!
LS - But she had sorry news...
CQ - An ostrich on a motorbike?!
PD - How did that get there?
CQ - I don't know.
LS - She had sorry news for him, sorry news indeed.
CQ - I can't marry you. I'm to be married to Stephen.
PD - (upset) Oh no!
CQ - Oh, don't make that face Edward, it's horrid!
PD - But I...I've brought this, it's..it's a tumble dryer, it's going to make us rich, it's er...oh.
LS - But he knew the truth. He knew the truth by the look in her eyes, and proudly, not without a tear she walked out the door with her mother, (CQ crying in background) no longer a Johnson but a Masterson.
JL - Come child.
CQ - Aye mother. Goodbye Edward.
PD - Goodbye.
CQ - Goodbye tumble dryer.
PD - Well, here we are (door shuts) just you and me...er, tumble dryer.
LS - Not everyone wins. Not everyone wins, in fact, many people lose when it comes to, the Masterson Inheritance.
(Ending music and applause)