MASTERSON INHERITANCE
SERIES ONE SHOW ONE
"THE CURSE OF THE MASTERSONS"

(It's better live, by the way!)

(Audience applause)

LS - Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the first in a series of "The Masterson Inheritance, an improvised historical saga of a family at war with itself. Over the next half-hour you will hear a team of performers attempt to spontaneously dramatise the first chapter from the chronicles of the Masterson family, based entirely on the suggestions of our studio audience. No script, no rehearsals, just an audience and a couple of microphones. To bring you this story of intrigue, passion and high drama tonight, we have - Josie Lawrence, Phelim McDermott, Paul Merton, Caroline Quentin, Jim Sweeney and myself, Lee Simpson.

(Audience applause)

LS - Now, er, to do this, we're going to be following the story of the Masterson family from generation to generation, across the centuries, but we do start in 1760; and the first thing that we need is an idea of a hobby or a pastime that a gentleman of the late 18th century might do; something he might do to pass the time pleasantly...

A - Slaving.

LS - Slaving, so, indulging in the slave trade. Yeah, a lot of comedy there, very good. all right, so, the slave trade. Also, down in the village, there's a little Masterson village, and there's some gossip about the Masterson family, as there usually is about these people - what do the villagers say, what are the mutterings, about the Masterson family, in the local pub? What are they saying?

A - They're at it like rabbits.

LS - What was that over there? (She repeats) They're at it like rabbits? They have a rather high libido rating is what you're trying to tell us, isn't it? Now the most important thing we need is a title of this week's episode, that includes the name of the Mastersons, so "The Something of the Mastersons", any ideas?

A - "The Curse of the Mastersons"

LS - "The Curse of the Mastersons". Good! So, we have our ingredients for this evening's episode of "The Masterson Inheritance", and they are - the slave trade, at it like rabbits, in "The Curse of the Mastersons".

(Opening music)

LS - The Masterson Inheritance - A Family at War with Itself. Book One - "The Curse of the Mastersons"

(Music fades out)

LS - 1760 - on the battlefields of India, and North America, the Seven-Years War is in full swing.

C - Ow, ouch, that hurt! (Sounds of fighting)

LS - But, but (The others stop suddenly) in a quiet vale in England, Masterson Hall stands proud, amongst the verdant pastureland that surrounds it. Behind Masterson Hall is a meadow, and standing in the meadow was Richard Masterson, heir to the Masterson fortune - tall, proud, proud indeed!

JS - Come here boy! Boy, where are you?

PM - (High-pitched 'young boy' voice) I'm here sir.

JS - Here, feel this whip!

PM - Ow! (Whip sound after he cries out)

JS - Ah, splendid!

PM - Sorry about that, sir, I'm a little bit psychic.

JS - Yes, just what I need in a slave. Now lie down on the floor while I walk all over you. Nothing more than a hobby for me, you understand, slavery.

PM - Well, it's a job for me sir. But I'm proud to have it.

LS - Richard Masterson explained to this slave of his, his ethos, his ethos of mankind, and why he was involved in the slave trade.

PM - 'Scuse me sir, while you're walking up and down on my back, can you explain to me your ethos of mankind?

JS - Basically I'm an evil bastard.

PM - Oh, I'd kind of gathered that for myself sir.

JS - Oh did you? Well then, feel this whip!

PM - Ah! (Whip afterwards again)

LS - Meanwhile, up in the master bedroom, old Lord Masterson, still Lord of all he surveyed, 87 years old, but still able to manage it! He was in bed, with young Emily, Emily from the village.

PD - Ah!

JL - (Country wench voice) It's time for your medicine Lord! Take it like a man! Open wide!

PD - Very well...(Pouring sound)

JS - Ooh, now let me pour it down your lovely throat. (More gurgling and pouring) Oh Lord, you're a fine gurgler and no mistake!

PD - Why, thank you Emily.

LS - Lord Masterson reached over, his bony fingers caressed her young, sweet body...

JL - Oh! My, my, Lord, and you're meant to be near death too!

PD - Emily, I find a new emotion stirring in me even now...

JL - Ooh, Lord, well I don't know, and here's me a virgin too!

LS - She lied. **********.

JL - No, no Lord, don't rip my dress! (Tearing sound, JL oh'ing)

PD - Can't help myself, when I see your firm young body before me, I...

JL - Ooh! (pause) I know what you'd like me to get - you'd like me to get your carrot out, wouldn't you!

PD - The carrot?

JL - I've heard about you Mastersons - at it like rabbits you are!

PD - That's right, helps me see in the dark, you know.

LS - And so it was, so it was that Lord Masterson continued - continued the way he'd lived his whole life. But, back in the meadow, Richard had just finished being horrible to the young slave.

JS - And there's plenty more where that came from.

PM - Oh, thank you very much sir.

JS - Don't mention it at all!

PM - Shall I, shall I be off now sir?

JS - No!

PM - No?

JS - Stay by me, I like you.

PM - (Hysterical) Do you?!

JS - Very fond of you.

PM - Really?

JS - Very fond of you indeed.

PM - I noticed by the way you kept whipping me, I assumed you had a bit of a fondness.

JS - You shall stand beside me when I eventually take over the Masterson Manor.

PM - Can I explain the fact that although I'm a young boy I have the voice of an 85-year-old man.

JS - Who cares, it's somehow attractive.

LS - And with that, Richard Masterson wandered off to take a look at the old oak tree yonder. But the young boy remained where he was, and mused, mused on the terrible life he was leading, mused on the revenge that he would wreak upon the Masterson family.

PM - I'm going to get my own back one day!

LS - Meanwhile, some miles from Masterson Hall, atop a cliff that overlooked the churning sea, stood a man. He looked out over the waves. Beside him, an old woman, a sweet old dame, his mother.

CQ - What will you do when you go across the sea, my boy?

PD - Well...

PM - Deckchairs, deckchairs...

PD - Sit down, Mum.

CQ - But, haven't you paid for this?

PD - I'm sorry, what do you mean?

CQ - Have you paid for my chair?

PD - Of course I have, I've paid for it with the money in this purse. I don't have much money left though now. I've spent it all on deckchairs.

CQ - But my son, you are going to travel across the sea...

PD - I am, I'm going to find us a fortune, Mum. I'm going to bring us back gold, from far away. And one day we'll be rich and I'll be able to buy you all the deckchairs you could ever want!

CQ - One.

LS - And he looked into her sweet, old eyes, and a tear filled them, and it rolled down her craggy, wrinkled cheek. (CQ sobs)

PM - Get your photo taken with a parrot 'ere!

LS - Down in Masterson Village, at the inn, there were rumblings.

C - (Rumblings and mutterings)

LS - Sweet young Emily...

CQ - Half a shandy please!

JS - Port and lemon.

LS - Sweet young Emily had come back to the village, teary, and full of tales of woe, of what had been done to her by evil old Lord Masterson.

CQ - What happened Emily?

JL - Well, he told me he was on his death bed, right?

CQ - Yeah?

JL - So I joked about how we always said that they were at it like rabbits.

CQ - Yeah?

JL - And got a carrot out of the chest of drawers for him.

CQ - Course you did.

JL - And he did the most terrible thing!

C - What? What did he do Emily?

JL - He got a bowl, right?

C - Yeah?

JL - And he mashed up the carrot...

C - Yeah?

PM - Ooh, that's disgustin'.

JL - And he told me to make a fire...

C - Fire, yeah, right...

JL - (Anguished) And then he made me eat some carrot cake!

PM - The man's in league with the Devil!

JL - I just thought he wanted to have his way with me, but no, he wanted to have a (unsure of new word) con-ver-sation!

(Cast gasp in astonishment)

LS - Hey! Come on... (pause) Away from the inn, where the talk was a bit dirty, back at Masterson Hall, old Lord Masterson was sleeping; his afternoon nap, but his sleep was not untroubled.

(Ghostly howling from the cast)

C - Masterson, Masterson...

PD - Yes? What is it?

C - Masterson, Masterson...

PD - (Impatient) Yes, what is it?!

C - Masterson!

PD - Oh, my God!

JS - I am the voice of your great-great Grandfather...

CQ - (echoing)...great-great Grandfather...

JS - Yes, the voice of your great-great Grandfather...

CQ - Yes, the voice of your great-great Grandfather...

JS - And I have come to warn you!

CQ - Warn you, warn you!

PD - Ah, God, what a terrible dream I had!

LS - Next morning, out by the stables, young Richard Masterson was meeting his young lady - Celia, a refined, pale-skinned beauty, of some elegance.

CQ - Richard!

JS - Yes, that's my name.

CQ - I'm so looking forward to our wedding day.

JS - Wedding day, yes, I'm looking forward to it too.

CQ - I can't wait...

JS - I can't wait either.

CQ - ...for the night of our nuptials, Richard.

JS - Oh, do we have to wait till then Celia?

CQ - Why yes of course we do, we can't possibly until we're married!

JS - Damn it, can't you see that I...

CQ - Oh, take me, take me! (pause) Richard, Richard!

JS - Yes!

CQ - You know how I want you, Richard?

JS - Oh God, yes I know!

CQ - Richard?

JS - Yes?

CQ - I'm going to turn round now and I want you to unlace my bodice!

(Tearing sound)

CQ - Ooh!

JS - Oh God, your skin is so...

CQ - Soft?

JS - Yes. Soft and...

CQ - Cold?

JS - Yes.

CQ - And yet...warm?

JS - Extraordinary, you know your own back so well!

CQ - Richard...

JS - Yes - Celia?

CQ - I can hear someone coming down the path!

JS - It's not me!

(Noise of footsteps)

CQ - Richard!

JS - Yes?

CQ - I can't be caught like this, I have to go and hide behind that bush!

JS - All right, quickly..

CQ - Don't give me away!

JS - I'll try not to.

JL - (Prim old lady) Ah, young Master Richard, have you seen the young Mistress Celia anywhere?

JS - No, let me just pull my trousers up though. (pause) No, not at all, just...

JL - It's time for her French lesson.

LS - It was Bessie...

JS - Funny, we were just talking about the same thing.

LS - It was Bessie, the governess.

JL - I can't find her anywhere, she is a naughty girl!

JS - She is, I've no idea where she is, I haven't seen her at all.

JL - Ah, oh and by the way, young man...

JS - Yes?

JL - Your father wishes to speak with you.

JS - (Spat out) Father? Speak to me?

JL - (Also spat out) Yes, father, speak to you!

JS - Very well, then I'll go up to the Hall.

LS - And so he did. But watching this scene, hidden from view, was the young slave boy, who only a while before, had been so disabused by this young man.

PM - I'm still gonna get him!

LS - Richard Masterson went into the study, where he found his father waiting for him.

(Door opens and slams shut)

JS - Hello father, it's me.

PD - Yes?

JS - Why don't you die? Why don't you die so I can take over this estate - you're old, you're decrepit.

PD - If I die...

JS - Yes?

PD - Well, you know what will happen, don't you?

LS - He was talking of course, of the curse.

PD - Haven't you ever noticed, when I'm eating at the dinner table, have you never noticed my little teeth, sticking out at the front, and my little furry paws? Haven't you ever thought it's odd?

JS - Well, come to mention it...Yes!

PD - If I die...

JS - Yes?

PD - You will also inherit the curse, the curse, to bounce about like a little bunny! Up here, in this room, like a hutch!

JS - You mean, if you die, I'll become...A RABBIT?

PD - Yes, you will become...A RABBIT!

JS - I refuse to believe it, ha ha ha!

LS - And he laughed, and he laughed, and he slammed the door as he left! (Door shutting) Not very loud, but he slammed it. Meanwhile... (door shuts again) Meanwhile, down at the dock, James was getting ready to set sail, getting ready to set off for the New World, a brave new world where he hoped to make his fortune. He was about to cut loose the ropes, when a small, boylike figure came trundling up the dock towards him.

(Waves, seagulls)

PD - Hello, young boy!

PM - Hello! Do you want to buy some dirty postcards?

PD - Thank you, yes!

PM - There we are.

PD - I can send them home to my mother while I'm away. Oh, what a sad little thing you are, would you like to set sail with me, come with me, be my trusty companion?

PM - You trying to pick me up?

PD - In a sort of way, yes, I am.

PM - Well, all right then. I'll come with you and I'll sail the Seven Seas, and see all the Seven Wonders of the World. And when I come back I'll have a Seven-Up that I'll buy at a 7-11.

PD - Very well! Come with me, and we shall make our fortune!

LS - And so they weighed anchor, and the ship set sail, the creaking...

PM - Well, the anchor seems to be about 45 pounds. What shall we weigh now?

PD - Well, you could weigh me if you wanted.

PM - All right then, get on the scales. Ooh, you are a big boy, aren't you!

LS - Meanwhile, back in the village, Emily...Emily was ashamed. Her father stood stern over her.

PM - I will beat you as much as I want to!

JL - Ah, Aaa, Ow! Ow! (Slapping sounds)

PM - Yes! And take that as well! (Slap, more crying) Here's one coming up just now! (Slap, ow) And here's another one from over here! (Slap, ow)

JL - Oh, I promise I won't go up to the manor any more!

PM - Do I have to snap my braces again?

JL - No, father, I beg you, don't.

PM - Well, whatever you do, don't go up to that Manor again.
JL - I thought you liked me going up there. I bring back enough colb (she fumbled the word gold) coins to keep you in beer, don't I!
PM - Yes, but I've gone off cob coins.

JL - I meant to say gold coins, you...

PM - Oh, gold coins!

JL - You smashed me round the mush so much my mouth ain't working!

PM - Yes I do want gold coins, gob coins I don't want, but gold coins yes.

JL - Well in that case I've got to carry on going to the Manor House.

PM - But you can't keep going to the Manor House, why can't you just send off for them like everyone else? Send off 5 packets of cornflakes and you get back a gold doubloon.

JL - Oh father, you don't understand, you must start living in the real world!

PM - What I don't understand is why have you got that accent and I've got this one? Do you know there's a little boy in the village that talks like an 89-year-old?

JL - Oh I know about him!

PM - Have you seen him?

JL - I've heard he's disappeared!

PM - Disappeared?

JL - Yeah, he was the slave boy that belonged to the Master, well, the young Master, and I've heard he's disappeared - set sail on the sea so they say.

PM - So in one respect he's not disappeared then? He's set sail on the sea so they say.

JL - Well, he's disappeared...

PM - With Sailor Sam.

JL - He's a disappeared...

PM - And a sack o' Saxa.

JL - He's, he's disappeared...

PM - And a salt over his shoulder.

JL - He's disappeared...

PM - He's disappeared!? Yes, that's 3 times!

JL - ...in the way that he's not...

PM - What is he, part of a magic act?

JL - ...he's, no, let me speak!

PM - What's this, Paul Daniels and Little Boy?

JL - He's disappeared in that...

PM - You sure it's not Debbie McGee? (pause) Go on then. So, you anyway...

JL - He's disappeared in the way that he's not here, and he should be.

(pause)

PM - I'm going to stop you going to them youth clubs.

JL - Oh father, let me go to the Manor one more time...(in strong Westcountry accent)

PM - All right, go to the Manor (mimicking Josie) one more time. It's Pam Ayres, isn't it? (Pam Ayres) Go to the Manor one more time and see if you can get a little poem about a little wasp that flies around a little room. All right.

JL - (Exaggerated Pam Ayres accent) All right, I'll do that right away!

LS - Back at Masterson Hall, Richard was becoming impatient. He wanted to get his hands on the Masterson inheritance, he wanted the land, he wanted... everything! That night, he crept up the main staircase, along the corridor, and outside his father's room he paused, gently, oh so gently opened the door, and crept in, to see his father's uneasy snoring. (Snoring) Oh, how he hated this man. (More sleep sounds) Oh, how he hated him, as the half-man, half-rabbit who stood between him and the hutch that he so desired.

JS - Time for you to die at your son's hand! (Snore) Not so much a man, more of a rabbit. Well, I'm your myxomatosis!

(Choking sounds)

LS - His hands tightened around his old father's throat, but before his father died, his eyes opened and saw, his son, his son squeezing the life from his body!

PD - Richard! Oh!

JS - Yes!

PD - Oh...(rabbit noise)

LS - And then he was dead.

JS - Now I'm Lord of Masterson Hall! I can barely...I can...Celia! Celia!

CQ - Yes! Take me! Take me!

JS - Now! Now!

LS - The next morning, Emily made her way up to the hall.

JL - La la la la laaaa. I'm coming into your chamber now, Lord!

LS - She opened the door, but what a sight met her!

(Door opens)

JL - AAAAHHH!! Oh, oh my lovely little bunny-wunny! Oh! Lying here all limp and furry in my arms...like you used to. Oh, somebody's killed you! Somebody's murdered you! Oh, but wait! What's this on the floor? Oh, it's Lord Richard's ring! And look, the indentations in the neck match the ring perfectly! Oh, it's Richard that's done this. I'm going to go home and tell my Dad!

LS - And so she did. She ran, teary, from the Hall.

JL - (In tears) Dad! Dad!

PM - I thought I told you never to come back here.

JL - Don't hit me! (pause) Oh good. (slap) Ow!

PM - Sorry, force of habit.

JL - Now, father, something terrible's happened! Lord Masterson's dead, killed by his own son!

PM - But how do you know he was killed by his own son?

JL - Well, his son had a ring that matched perfectly the indentations on the Lord's neck.

PM - I'm going to put you in a home.

JL - Come! We must rouse up the villagers!

PM - Rouse up the villagers? What, not wake them up, or whatever, just rouse them up.

JL - Whatever you like. You're my Dad.

PM - All right then, come on then, lets rouse them up.

LS - And so they began to rouse the villagers up.

PM - You villagers, come on, get up!

(Cast moan and groan)

LS - Meanwhile, far away, far away on the other side of the world, things were going well for James and the young lad. The young lad now was growing up, his voice was beginning to break.

PM - (Deep gruff voice) James?

PD - Yes?

PM - You reckon we'll make a go of this minicab driving business?

PD - I think so, I think it'll catch on back home, you know.

PM - I'm wondering I'd like to see their faces back there, when we turn up with a fleet of Ford Cortinas...

LS - Back at Masterson Manor, though, an angry mob was making it's way up the hill towards Masterson Hall. (Cast make 'angry mob' noises) Their spokesman was Emily.

JL - Charles! I mean Richard!

JS - (or PD?) No, let's get Charles!

JL - Richard! Richard Masterson! Come out and face the villagers, you murderer!

(Mob noises)

JS - (or PD?) And bring Charles with you!

JL - Look, there he is at the window!

JS - (or PD?) Where's his brother Charles?

JL - I don't know, I just made him up.

PM - You made up a brother?

JL - Well, it's Tuesday.

PM - Look, he's not got the signet ring on!

JL - That's right! I have the signet ring here!

PM - Then that proves it's his signet ring!

LS - Richard came down and confronted the angry villagers, their mutterings were quelled (cast mutter in background) by his aristocratic...

JS - Shut up!

LS - ...presence. He spoke to them...

JS - I'm trying to have a lie-in, could you keep the noise down? What do you want?

JL - We know you're the murderer - you murdered your Dad!

CQ - Darling, darling, what's going on?

JS - The villagers seem to think that I...I killed my father.

CQ - But I've never heard anything so absurd, when was this supposed to have happened?

JS - It was supposed to have happened last night...

JL - How did you know it happened last night, nobody mentioned last night!

JS - Damn! All right, I killed him!

CQ - Richard!

PM - By clever questioning, we've managed to beat the **********. Thank God for that.

JL - And look, look at his ears!

JS - What do you mean my...

PM - Why yes!

CQ - Something strange...something strange is happening.

JL - And his teeth.

CQ - Yeah!

JL - He's turning into a rabbit! Run for your lives, he's **********.

(Cast scream)

LS - So they ran, they ran away, leaving Lord Masterson, as he now was, alone. Back at the docks, a ship pulled in. James, and the young lad, now full-grown - full-grown enough to have a name. David - stood on the poopdeck.

PD - Well David, you're a man now.

PM - Thank you James, I'm pleased that I made it somehow. I started off on that voyage as a stupid little adolescent and I've come back as a Minicab Controller.

PD - I'm proud of you.

PM - Are you James?

PD - Yes, thanks for being my companion.

PM - That's all right. I've got some unfinished business, back here in old Blighty.

LS - He called at Emily's house. She was by her father's bedside. He, he was dying.

PM - Why have you got a house by your father's bedside?

JL - It's more convenient when he wants cocoa.

PM - Who's this bloke then?

" - I have come from many miles, I used to be the small boy that disappeared many years ago,

" - Oh yes, I remember you...Ah, I think I'm going to die! Urgh.

" - That's a damn shame, I could have kept that up all night.

JL - You're the small slave boy, but you were so little when you left.

PM - I know, I've grown - feel that!

JL - Fwooar - that's a big arm!

LS - They looked (romantic music) deep into eachother's eyes, and Emily knew, knew that this was it. All her dalliances with Lord Masterson were nothing, nothing compared with this handsome, travelled man.

PM - Emily!

JL - Oh David!

PM - Marry me and make me the happiest Minicab Controller this side of London!

JL - I will! I will!

PM - Love me, kiss me, and promise me you'll never take your teeth out.

JL - Can be fun sometimes...

LS - But there was one thing as yet not taken care of.

JL - Yeah, he's up in the Manor now. Young Lord Richard Masterson. Some say he's turned completely into a rabbit, but he still treats people bad, just like he treated you when you were a slave boy!

PM - You mean a rabbit with no respect for human beings?

JL - Exactly what I mean!

PM - Why don't we just put him in a pie and eat him?

JL - He's too clever for that!

PM - I think you should rebel.

JL - We have tried to rebel. We need someone strong like you, David. Go and wreak your revenge!

PM - Then follow me...

LS - And so they marched. They marched together up the hill.

PM - Lord Masterson. Do you remember a small boy with no name that you used to beat on the moors?

JS - Er, give me a moment...yes!

PM - I used to beat him as well. No, I'm just joking! I am that small boy, I've been to sea and I've got a name, and I've come to wreak my revenge on you.

JS - I'm Lord Richard Masterson, you don't scare me! (Rabbit noises)

PM - Bring the foxes in!

(Cast howl and bark)

JS - I know what a fox sounds like, thank you very much!

PM - Yeah, but they don't, do they!

LS - There was fear in Richard's eyes, he saw the foxes, and he turned, and he ran, his little bunny legs taking him as fast as they could. And the foxes ran after him, ran and ran and ran, and chased him until he was well beyond the reach of Masterson land. David stood with Emily, at the gates of Masterson Hall. By popular acclaim, he had been voted the new Lord Masterson.

JS - (Apathetically) Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray for the new Lord Masterson, David. (cast cheer)

PM - Get back! You were once my friends, but not any more - I am the new Lord of the Manor...Take your teeth out.

JL - But, what about your friend James? Can he stay at the Manor with us?

PM - No!

JL - Oh, all right then.

LS - But there was love between them. He may have turned into a fierce aristocrat, but there was love between them - he held Emily gently in his arms, and he talked to her of how things would be.

(Romantic music)

PM - In the 19th century I think there will be turmoil in Europe.

JL - Oh, you say the sweetest things!

PM - But Queen Victoria will reign until about 1903 when her son Edward the 7th the frequenter of music halls will take the throne.

JL - You're so clever!

PM - In 1953 Stanley Matthews will at last win an FA Cup medal.

LS - But as he talked, as he talked, he heard a voice (ghostly wails as before), several voices which echoed across the valley.

PM - But in 1972 Abba will win the Eurovision Song Contest.

(Wailing)

JS - Lord Masterson, Lord Masterson!

PM - What are those voices?

JS - Beware Lord Masterson!

CQ - Beware Lord Masterson!

PM - No!

JS - Take it easy!

PM - No, not the Curse of the Mastersons!

(Thunderclap and scream)

LS - It was true. As he stood there, he stood there with his wife, the voices echoed in his head - he had won, he was victorious, he was the man who had taken it all, but with it all had come the curse, the curse which would haunt him to his dying day, the curse which was - The Masterson Inheritance!

(Ending music and applause)